Erotic asphyxiation, sometimes called 'breath play,' involves cutting off air supply or blood flow by choking or otherwise suffocating a person for pleasure. It's really common to see this in pornography, especially choking- but porn isn't great at presenting the potential risks. 

Let's start by talking about harm reduction. Harm reduction is about meeting folks where they're at with the behaviours they are already engaged in to help reduce risk. For example, harm reduction can be acknowledging that a lot of people drive cars, and aren't likely to stop doing so, and encouraging them to wear seatbelts and engage in defensive driving to avoid potential harm. We can apply this harm reduction lens to sex too. Sex typically involves some level of risk; things like the contraction of a sexually transmitted infection, or for some folks, unwanted pregnancy. Certain sexual acts are higher risk than others. Erotic asphyxiation is a sex act that comes with a particularly high level of risk, despite the fact that it's relatively common, with almost half of particpants in one study reporting that they had been choked during sex. Does this high level of risk mean that we should say 'don't do it' and move along? Absolutely not, because then we miss the opportunity to talk about what these risks are, how we can reduce them, and avoid the much higher risk of trying something anyway without any information about it at all because our curious question was met with a hard 'no.' If almost half of us have already tried it, it's not likely that everyone is simply going to stop doing it tomorrow. So, let's talk about reducing risk. 

What do you need to know about erotic asphyxiation? First of all, like any sex act, you need clear, informed, and voluntary consent. Choking has been portrayed so commonly in pornography, that many people have begun introducing it with partners without even asking first. If you and a partner both really want to try it, think about how you can communicate non-verbally with each other during asphyxiation. Remember, the person being asphyxiated might not be able to speak as usual, so non-verbal cues like tapping are absolutely necessary in the case that someone wants to stop. Learning about the anatomy of the neck and respiratory system is also a great step. Of course, some folks practice what's called autoerotic asphyxiation, which is the solo version of everything we've talked about so far. This is riskier, as there aren't any additional people around to get help or intervene if something goes wrong. 

What, specifically, are the risks? Cardiac arrest and brain damage are both risks associated with reduced oxygen and blood flow throughout the body and to the brain. It's possible for a person to lose counsciousness if they are deprived of oxygen for too long, and risk of stroke is increased. There is no way to practice erotic asphyxiation with zero risk. That being said, if everyone involved wants to give it a go once they are fully informed of potential harms, there are a few things you can do to reduce the risk of harm:

1. As discussed above- consent is key! Develop a clear,  non-verbal way to communicate when someone wants to stop. 

2. If you are interested in erotic asphyxiation because of the power dynamic, you might consider methods with less risk. This might include a hand placed on someone's neck without pressure. Sometimes the placement alone can feel super hot. If you enjoy the feeling of contraint, you might try other forms of constraints such as ropes around wrists, thighs, or ankles. If you are engaging in rope play, consider checking out learning opportunities through Alchemy Rope! 

3. Be very aware of time. Limit the amount of time you are engaged in asphyxiation, as brain damage can happen quite quickly when the brain is deprived of oxygen.

4. Remember that just because it is 'normal' in porn, doesn't mean you have to try it. 

5. Incorporate after-care. Talk to your partner or partners about what helps them to feel safe and respected after sex. Some common ones are cuddling, taking a shower (together or separately), or having a snack / drinking some water. 

To answer this question, I asked a tantra expert: Jamie Davenport of the Bra Coach! Check out her response! ⬇⬇⬇

Tantra can teach us how to tap into our greatest life force energy - our sexual energy!  Tantric training can also show us how to identify blockages from negative sexual experiences or even sexual trauma (which is really common!!).  More importantly, you learn tools, skills and resources to remove those blockages to enable you to reach your fullest orgasmic potential!  This can be hard work, but with a greatest reward. For example, tantra can teach you how to tap into your throat chakra - in turn allowing you to be use your voice to express what you like, what feels good and what your curious about   Remember, the French call an orgasm “la petite mort”, the little death, which allows us to be reborn over and over again every time we connect with our bodies - alone or with a partner.

About 40% of women say they’ve ever squirted in their lifetime. For some, their ability to squirt was a spontaneous, natural discovery, while others engage in specific strategies and techniques to squirt. But what are these strategies? Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is no one-size-fits-all method to get there - but women describe a combination of techniques that work for them. One of the most common is clitoral stimulation, with a variety of options and techniques ranging from oral sex to using fingers or vibrators. Many also described vaginal stimulation, with one study describing the “come here” motion as a pleasurable form of internal stimulation that leads to squirting more often than an “in-and-out” motion. Some found that combining vaginal and clitoral stimulation was the key for them, with one or the other on its own not being quite enough to get them there. For some, anal penetration, often combined with other stimulation, was what led them to squirt most often. 

In addition to particular types of stimulation, some find that engaging their pelvic floor at the right moment, or through repeated tensing and release, is what brings them to squirt. Importantly, mental state also plays a role! For a lot of women, the more aroused and comfortable they feel, and the more trust they have with their partner or partners, the more likely they are to squirt. Although a lot of the current research on this topic has focused specifically on women with vaginas, much of it applies to anyone with a vagina! 

So, squirting isn’t necessarily about any one strategy, but about taking the time to explore your body with or without a partner and to see what feels good! But, it’s also important to know that squirting isn’t always associated with increased pleasure. In one study, about 60% of women reported that squirting was pleasurable for them, and only 20% said that it always coincided with orgasm. We could say a whole lot about the misconceptions mainstream pornography creates about sex- and squirting, like other sex acts, is often not portrayed in a representative or accurate way. 

Here's the full question: When you're in a long term relationship and you want to introduce something new like a threesome how do you find an additional partner without creating turmoil in the relationship? 

Threesomes and group sex are something a lot of people in longterm relationships are curious about! Around 18% of men and 10% of women report having particpated in a threesome at some point in their lives, and many more than that fantasize about the possibility. But how do you go about transitioning from fantasy into reality? 

The first step? Strong communication with everyone involved. In the context of a longterm relationship, this involves making sure you and your partner are fully on the same page about what you are looking for. Some questions you might consider are: 

• Do we both want to have a threesome?

• Will this be a one-time encounter, or something ongoing?

• How can we ensure we show respect for the person who joins us, and ensure they feel safe? (As a couple, you have some built-in privilege in this dynamic. Make sure to acknowledge it!) 

• What boundaries do we each have? 

• How will we communicate in the moment if one of us is feeling uncomfortable?

• How can we ensure that no one feels left out?

• Are we looking for someone of a particular gender or sexuality? 

Once you've taken some time to talk openly about the topic, the next step is to start looking for someone who shares these goals and fantasies- and then making sure to bring them in on the conversation as well! The more people involved, the more needs, desires, and boundaries there are to consider and communicate about. 

But where do you find a willing third party? Sometimes, you might find someone in your existing social circle, or at a social event like a party. But, quite often, people turn to apps catered to this purpose! Feeld, for example, is an app that caters itself to non-monogamous relationships with options to link your account with a partner. This way, each partner can join the app with equal autonomy and transparency. It also allows you to clearly communicate what you are looking for to other app users.

Some non-monogamous folks and singles are particularly cautious of what have come to be known as 'unicorn hunters.' These are couples seeking a third, often without a lot of care for that third party. Instead, they treat the third person as a sexual object there to fulfill their fantasies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes - any configuration you'd like! - but there needs to be mutual respect for everyone involved. Don't forget that your third (or fourth, or fifth) is another person with their own boundaries, needs, and desires.

In some cases, one longterm partner might really want to have a threesome, while another does not. Sometimes, that's the end of the conversation, and it's important to respect your partner's comfort level and boundaries. Repeatedly asking can create pressure - and a 'yes' after being asked over and over again is not freely given or consensual - in other words, it's not a true 'yes.' Instead, consider diving into a conversation with your partner about other desires and fantasies, and finding the ones that you mutually share!